>Is is not obvious why the healing continues all these years later, and perhaps
>might continue for the rest of my life?

>If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you wont to be patient
>with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in between?

The presence of these two questions answer each other.

That’s what we’re here for. To be there for you. To listen, or give input, and help you not only to heal, but to grow.

And that’s how we do it as well. By listening, or by discussing, or even by just being there…
Sometimes even by asking for help, wo do that very service for others.

My thoughts are with you, and will always be.

of course I’ll extend that to you and to everyone I love. It’s a given.

> If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you
> wont to be patient with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in
> between?

Ummm, well, I don’t think that you even have to ask this of me. If you are willing to extend that courtesy to me, of course I will return in kind. :)

Three things, , and then some more:

1. You’re completely right on all points. In fact, all of you who’ve responded are right.
2. I’m immeasurably humbled to be a part of your lives.
3. I realise it’s all relative. I just walked across the street to the salon to grab some stuff and Tamara gushed at how I looked today. She went on about the Choctaw-descended cheekbones. Again.

Yes, it is all relative, and I’m aware that much is radiated from within that I’m failing to consider altogether.

However, I have two complexes with which I struggle every day: a) I worry about becoming “trite” around people, no thanks to a case manager of mine who told me I was such, while I was in hospital at age thirteen, and b) I worry that the most important people in my life will either fade away or sever everything abruptly, be it friends, family or yes, even lovers.

It’s happened before, including with one of my best friends who ditched our friendship without warning last November, just after the fallout of the Opinion began. This coming after all those people who dropped out of my life after I came out, piled atop all those hateful, cruel things my mother repeatedly told me when I was still living at home (“you’re a buck-toothed, beady-eyed Little Hitler”, “oh yeah, my three kids and …”, “I won’t let you sing choir/play softball/etc., because you are incapable”, “You’re going to be stabbed to death before age eighteen, cos you’re gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person (and you’ll deserve it)” and so on).

Is is not obvious why the healing continues all these years later, and perhaps might continue for the rest of my life?

If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you wont to be patient with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in between?

>now, after resting on these feelings overnight, i recognise that that was absurd of me to do.
>i know i’m not horrendously ugly — in fact, there are times where i can now stand to look at
>myself and see that i actually do possess a satchel of beauty (and is that vain or vapid to
>think such?) — but for some reason, this knee-jerk compulsion to place comparison between
>yourself and someone who shares some portions of your life experience continues to plague me.

I’m pretty sure that the individual was thinking the exact same thing about herself when you sent her your photos.

That’s the thing about “peer comparison” that all of you were talking about earlier. It makes us forget about our own strengths, in this case, “beauty”, just so that we can be able to focus on that of somebody else.

I remember that with one of my lovers, whenever I told her how beautiful she is, she would always respond with “Well, you’re biased.” At first I thought this was her slamming herself with low self-esteem, but now I understand a deeper meaning to her response.
We are all biased to see the other person as more beautiful, simply because that person is somebody else… It’s that whole “grass is greener” ideology…

In short, you are MUCH more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.

> why didn’t i just sidestep that tired, negative self-esteem mechanism by recognising that we had already established the critical emotional connection that’s essential for something wonderful and selfless to evolve?

Sometimes I tried to rationalize my having those horrible feelings by saying it’s something to keep me humble, to prevent me from becoming an arrogant little bitch. I try to view it as a good sign, that I will always want something more with my life, that I will always want the “next level” of beauty, money, success, or… happiness.

You make us all very happy, not only with your outer beauty, but with your inner beauty as well. They both shine as a beacon to all around you. And on behalf of all those in and around your life, I thank you.

And I’m glad that you’re keen on telling people to eat shit and die. I’d probably do alot better in the world if I could do that.