ACCOZZAGLIA

so, whatever that virus was that kept me down for the better part of Sunday and all of Monday seems to be behind me. except when i couldn’t sleep early Monday, i spent the better of that 36-hour period either semi-lucid or completely passed out. i don’t know what the hell i caught, but i very seldom fall infirm like that.

curiously, i’ve been awake since 9pm last night. and i don’t really feel all that tired. it’s given me a chance to try and catch up on several things that i’ve either put off or delayed due to circumstances which made it difficult to get around to before.

so far, i’ve been in touch with one of my bigger clients, planning how things will scale out in 2003, as well as foreseeing some options for beyond that. i really seem to be learning about the costing/budgeting/money thing on the run, as i realised that pretty much everything i’ve done solo for previous clients have been wayyy underbid. i just suck at getting the chutzpah to call the estimate at or near its actual cost, as opposed to the “i’m being nice” value.

being that kind of nice in business, i’m learning, is what’ll get you out of business in a real hurry.

i have so much to learn.

i also confronted one of my other clients about rights management regarding an asset that they wanna use in their project. even though their project isn’t about making a lot of money, they wanna avert getting the permission of the copyright holder of that asset.

after much hesitation, my ethics nerve kicked in. i had to bring them the bad news of “if you wanna use that asset, i highly urge we get permission first, or else i don’t feel it being proper to put my art direction credits on the project (which, since i’m not really getting paid what i’d be charging if they were just a client and not both a client and old friends, means that i can’t use it in my portfolio, meaning that i don’t have much incentive to do the project).”

so, i threw out some workable alternatives, including contacting the copyright owner for permission. i don’t know what’s going to happen, but i’m worried that they’ll get upset with me.

i still have too much to do today, including running by the post office and Walgreens, whee. when i get back, i may take a nap and pick this up in the evening. i need to recompose my resume (again, AUGH) with hopes that i get it right this time around.

i need to wipe out my debt and somehow salvage what little credit i can. i’m only going to be able to do this with something consistent that pays me and allows me to finally devise a budget *GASP!*

“a budget.” what a concept. had it not been for the fact that i’ve feasted and famined (mostly the latter, incidentally) on contract assignments for the last five years, ever since the debacle with my last full-time, perm employer — a certain law publishing company whose name will not be divulged here, thanks — did all that bad stuff to me in 1997, i’d already have a budget in place. it’s that feast-or-famine situation with freelancing and contracting that led me to go hungry more times than i can recall, and brushing so close with disaster that i was one step away from losing my home in 2001.

i just want to believe that i’m good enough and qualified enough to take on a role in a permanent gig. i want to know that my experience speaks quality, even with my lack of a bachelour’s degree thus far (i’m working on that, too, but until it’s earned, well, you know).

i’ll be frank. i don’t like my situation. i don’t like thinking i put my life on hold for four years for nothing. cos here i am, and by this age, i should supposedly have a direction and “advancement potential”.

whee.