ACCOZZAGLIA

that should be my new nickname, should i ever wanna get a new rep on the streets of skedaddle.

the last couple of weeks have been furiously difficult for more reasons than i know how to properly elucidate. eighty percent of my life had to be put into storage back in the old city. which is fine, really, even though i don’t own much stuff to begin with.

and that which i do is used frequently. grrrr.

here’s a gem of an example: i reached for my dictionary to look up a word. ever since taking up writing a few years ago, the dictionary and thesaurus became my indispensible resources. and oops! they’re in STORAGE.

so, that in of itself is enough to drive one mad.

what else? my PDA died a hard death two weeks ago just after i returned to my now-previous home base. without warning. and to think i’d used it just an hour before. this couldn’t have come at a worse time, since the model i own is no longer made and i’m not making any money at the moment. that was my brain, see, and without it, i feel so tossed on the driest part of the shoreline.

as if that wasn’t enough, we’re in a massive, shrub-induced double-dip recession, exacerbated by an asinine, Draconian policy of peace-teetotalling and a horrifying bout of ashcroftism that rivals the iron curtain mccarthy wrought upon millions just fifty short years ago. what else is there to say?

couple this with being in a new place where you have frighteningly few connections with the people in the area around you. and being someone who actually thrives on making new acquaintances and friends while keeping the old (cos the new ones are silver and the others gold — thanks, svairini), this is a splash of ice water on a cold winter’s day.

still, i think there’s hope.

much of this “depression-lite®” i’ve been feeling stems from the adverse changes in my life that would probably affect most everyone in some way or another. in this case, not having my therapist nearby doesn’t help much. but i’m resilient and highly adaptable, even if i am a little cranky in the interim (i’ve always been that way, so). i will trudge and slog through this.

the self-doubt and pain have affected the stability of my relationship with sparkle_vixen, along with a notable, errm, dependency of hers that i feel plays a greater role than it leads itself on to being.

two of the closest people in my life, svairini and shimmerydeath, really aren’t in the best of positions right now for me to approach them about the morass of feelings and concerns with which i’m contending.

svairini is in a place she never expected: feeding three mouths and trying her hand at being the head of household for the first time ever. she works her arse off to make everything work, and with her resourcefulness, i am sure she will succeed. but for now, i do not feel that she has the capacity to devote much energy into my ishoos. this is no fault of hers. it’s just a effect of the situation at hand in her life.

shimmerydeath, on the other hand, is in a particularly unique and precarious position. she was the conduit that brought sparkle_vixen and i together this year. and from her perspective, seeing two of her closer friends hook up like we have must have been a curious experience, to say the least (i honestly don’t know, though, since i’ve never really stopped to ask her). by proxy, she can’t find herself in an objective position.

or can she? perhaps, given the fact that both sparkle_vixen and i are close to her, that puts her in the best position for providing insight. i dinna, really.

i also have to keep in mind, though, that she is also in the midst of a hell-bending final semester at skool, working her arse off, fighting illness and the icky stuff, and at this time, i don’t want to add to that when she simply doesn’t have the time.

so, last night, i got in touch with flata for some advice. like me, she just moved halfway across the continent to begin her life with another person in it. like me, she is the gay. and like me, this is the first time that she’s lived with another person in a committed relationship capacity.

we went back and forth in conversation in a private chat session last night. and to be honest, her insight on the situation she just endured — that of the first few weeks living together, making fundamental compromises to make the relationship work, learning each other’s quirks and so on — is proving to be the key to something i didn’t possess hitherto: outside feedback.

she pointed out some things that i simply did not take into consideration before. and she also stood in as someone who didn’t mind listening to my root.

she didn’t have to do that, really. but that she did is something for which i am endearingly grateful.

props for flata.

and so, for the first time since, oh, august (before that flurry of travelling took me all over the damn country during the entirety of september), i feel like i have a working skeleton outline from which to build. in fact, i feel better today than in several days past, and well, this is a good thing, dammit. i hate feeling helpless and anxious, which in turn breeds that nasty bug called depression.

i love sparkle_vixen dearly. i have feelings for her in ways i simply haven’t experienced before. these feelings are simply too irreplacable and invaluable to me. i do not want to lose what we have found and built together.

but now that i’m working with the help of external feedback, i realise that it’s gonna take a herfload of work to make it work.

and i am so about making things work in the ’02. we do, after all, still have about ten weeks left in the ’02, so.

oh yeah: and my half-birthday was yesterday. it passed without mention or incident. whee.