this is sad.
i think my not having left the apartment (aka, “the cave” and “moonbase alpha”, due to its dimensions and two windows facing the same direction: west-southwest) for the last eight days — and having done this more than on a few occasions since i moved here to the remote vestiges at the Edge of the World — leads me to wonder whether i’m feeling a little agoraphobic or even xenophobic now.
with no money and severely dwindling basic resources, i’m afraid to leave the house. i don’t have a car here, and that’s the only way to get away from the masterplanned misery. and still, no call on the interview i had two weeks ago. and no new prospects to be had, either.
i feel so un-hirable, a non-commodity. a reject.
my girlfriend, who *cough cough* called in sick today (humdrum-rut fever, i’m told), left for the day to go and prolly hit up a matineé, have lunch, walk around in a park near Ballard, pop into indie record stores and stop by Targay and Trader Joe’s before she comes home tonight. despite her incessant attempts to have me join her, i don’t feel right in going out with her when i have absolutely no money.
and no, i’m not letting her pay, cover or front for me, cos she does that way more often than she should have any business doing (heathergalaxy, you’d understand the other end here). besides, i couldn’t afford to pay back a cover right now.
mind you, this is in direct opposition with my inherent nature and consistent track record of being an agoraphile and a passionately socialable person who loves getting lost, travelling far and wide and exploring new territory — not to mention that no city is too big or overwhelming for me.
i’m also on the verge — in four days, to be exact — of losing 85 percent of my personal effects and my car, all in storage back east about 2,200km or so, because a final client cheque which should have arrived almost two weeks ago hasn’t gotten here, and i can’t float a cheque in any conscience when i have but six dollars combined in my two bank accounts.
(i don’t need sympathy. i’m just pissed off.)
it’s enough to make you never wanna leave the house, because it’s a big, scary, ugly world. i feel like such a disgrace and an embarassment.
so, pardon me while i tend to the laundry and the dishes. whee.