why inferiority?

another residual thought hails from when i fell asleep last night. one of the three people with whom i have a noted romantic interest sent me a series of images of themself that i’d previously never seen.

i was so breathtaken. i mean, they’re just pictures, but i gasped.

that’s where it should have been left. but then, i felt the most irrationally silly, insecure thing: am i the Medusa? i mean, seriously, that’s absurd. but here i was, looking at someone that made me feel a common clover blossom, while they radiated like an dazzling evening primrose.

it’s crazy. twice in twelve hours. insecurity. (the other being that nightmare)

i don’t like it.

now, after resting on these feelings overnight, i recognise that that was absurd of me to do. i know i’m not horrendously ugly — in fact, there are times where i can now stand to look at myself and see that i actually do possess a satchel of beauty (and is that vain or vapid to think such?) — but for some reason, this knee-jerk compulsion to place comparison between yourself and someone who shares some portions of your life experience continues to plague me.

i should be so over this.

but instead, i fell prey to the old demon called “peer comparison”. why didn’t i just sidestep that tired, negative self-esteem mechanism by recognising that we had already established the critical emotional connection that’s essential for something wonderful and selfless to evolve?

am i making too much a production out of this? slap me, please.

12 Responses to "why inferiority?"

caladri says:
Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 10:31:59
let’s assume worst case, that you’re medusa, okay?
now, would you rather look like someone else?
if you look like someone else to the rest of the world, does that mean you stop being you?
if you’re no longer you, have you not compromised so many of your principles?
seems to me that you shouldn’t worry about how you look, but it doesn’t hurt to improve how you look if you can.
but you don’t look bad at all, even in the deer-in-headlights picture* :P
*= which is actually pretty good despite said shocked look
1. Astrid says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 11:00:05
  good points, flata:
  No, I want to look like me. And I already do. Period.
  But as you know all too well, flata, how you see yourself in your mind and what you see in the mirror are two different matters entirely. And it’s highly silly and irrational, but i admit to being human. i can’t dispose of the inexplicable things that separate us from plants and other life matter. I got insecure. I’m working on resolving why those feelings came to pass and trying to avert them entirely this should there be a next time.
  And yes, dear: as i can afford to, improvements are certainly in queue. Without remotely looking like, “I drive a Miata!”
  *SNORK*
  I’m just not there yet. And I’m so past ready for it now.
  And, ummm, you and both said that I look deer-caught-in-headlights in that shot. I don’t. I really don’t think that I do. In fact, I thought I looked rather happy, even *if* I looked a little simple in my expression.
  And as other mug shots of me go, I is skeeery.
  You should know this by now.
2. kat_chan says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 12:01:33
  My dear, you aren’t anything even approaching skeeery.
  Skeeery is the skeevy lawyer-engaged, young-adult raping, chaserish luzer from the South Bay. Skeeery is the one in the TC whose mommy and daddy are buying her kitty for her. Skeeery is so many things that you don’t approach, and you never will. I mean, seriously…
  After all, if I’m not allowed to sit around and allow my depression and my personal history to foist this “I’m never going to work again” shit on my psyche, then you really need to stop allowing you to beat yourself up over your appearance. Honestly, you look…well, you know how I think you look. And skeeery ain’t it, babe.
  So, chin up, smile and make the rest of the world eat dirt if they try and tell you shit. :)
3. Astrid says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 12:29:12
  >My dear, you aren’t anything even approaching skeeery.
  >Skeeery is the skeevy lawyer-engaged, young-adult raping, chaserish
  >luzer from the South Bay.
  And Miatas suck anyway. *grin*
  >Skeeery is the one in the TC whose mommy and daddy are buying her kitty for her.
  sorry folks, but when I see her in July, I’m not going to play nice and shower her with false platitudes. I’m feeling mean around that one. Not mean-spirited, but just mean. Her passive-aggressiveness and oblique arrogance tipped me over the edge a few months ago.
  WWIII will begin right here.
  >Skeeery is so many things that you
  >don’t approach, and you never will. I mean, seriously…
  I know that. Logically, it makes total sense. But something struck me oddly last night, and while your insight, flata’s insight and chaizzilla’s suggestion have helped immensely, I realise that this happened because I’ve made myself carefully vulnerable to the right people for the first time in a very, very long time. My characteristic stone butchness has melted away with the trio in question — you being one of them — along with a small troupe of best friends. This is completely uncharted waters for me. After years of being on alert, it’s sometimes a challenge to let go of that.
  >After all, if I’m not allowed to sit around and allow my depression and
  >my personal history to foist this “I’m never going to work again” shit
  >on my psyche, then you really need to stop allowing you to beat yourself
  >up over your appearance. Honestly, you look…well, you know how I think
  >you look. And skeeery ain’t it, babe.
  Point taken. You’re right. Thanks. *smile*
  >So, chin up, smile and make the rest of the world eat dirt if they try
  >and tell you shit. :)
  Well, you *know* I’m already keen with that.
4. kat_chan says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 13:20:34
  I’m glad that you realize that I am right (even as I sit here working on resume and cover letter). After all, I’m right, and there’s nothing more to be said about that. ;)
  And I’m glad that you’re keen on telling people to eat shit and die. I’d probably do alot better in the world if I could do that.
chaizzilla says:
Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 11:49:50
work on the self-esteem/self-love thing, it’ll come in handy in all sorts of situations.
1. Astrid says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 12:08:07
  yeah. the self-esteem and self-love thing are getting overtime these days, which is another way of saying that I’m playing oodles of catching up, and I still have leaps and bounds to go. you know, all those years in emotional suspension, especially those last four, which constituted hell on earth.
chainsaw_hime says:
Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 13:37:55
Ditto
>now, after resting on these feelings overnight, i recognise that that was absurd of me to do.
>i know i’m not horrendously ugly — in fact, there are times where i can now stand to look at
>myself and see that i actually do possess a satchel of beauty (and is that vain or vapid to
>think such?) — but for some reason, this knee-jerk compulsion to place comparison between
>yourself and someone who shares some portions of your life experience continues to plague me.
I’m pretty sure that the individual was thinking the exact same thing about herself when you sent her your photos.
That’s the thing about “peer comparison” that all of you were talking about earlier. It makes us forget about our own strengths, in this case, “beauty”, just so that we can be able to focus on that of somebody else.
I remember that with one of my lovers, whenever I told her how beautiful she is, she would always respond with “Well, you’re biased.” At first I thought this was her slamming herself with low self-esteem, but now I understand a deeper meaning to her response.
We are all biased to see the other person as more beautiful, simply because that person is somebody else… It’s that whole “grass is greener” ideology…
In short, you are MUCH more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.
> why didn’t i just sidestep that tired, negative self-esteem mechanism by recognising that we had already established the critical emotional connection that’s essential for something wonderful and selfless to evolve?
Sometimes I tried to rationalize my having those horrible feelings by saying it’s something to keep me humble, to prevent me from becoming an arrogant little bitch. I try to view it as a good sign, that I will always want something more with my life, that I will always want the “next level” of beauty, money, success, or… happiness.
You make us all very happy, not only with your outer beauty, but with your inner beauty as well. They both shine as a beacon to all around you. And on behalf of all those in and around your life, I thank you.
1. Astrid says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 14:14:14
  Re: Ditto
  Three things, , and then some more:
  1. You’re completely right on all points. In fact, all of you who’ve responded are right.
  2. I’m immeasurably humbled to be a part of your lives.
  3. I realise it’s all relative. I just walked across the street to the salon to grab some stuff and Tamara gushed at how I looked today. She went on about the Choctaw-descended cheekbones. Again.
  Yes, it is all relative, and I’m aware that much is radiated from within that I’m failing to consider altogether.
  However, I have two complexes with which I struggle every day: a) I worry about becoming “trite” around people, no thanks to a case manager of mine who told me I was such, while I was in hospital at age thirteen, and b) I worry that the most important people in my life will either fade away or sever everything abruptly, be it friends, family or yes, even lovers.
  It’s happened before, including with one of my best friends who ditched our friendship without warning last November, just after the fallout of the Opinion began. This coming after all those people who dropped out of my life after I came out, piled atop all those hateful, cruel things my mother repeatedly told me when I was still living at home (“you’re a buck-toothed, beady-eyed Little Hitler”, “oh yeah, my three kids and …”, “I won’t let you sing choir/play softball/etc., because you are incapable”, “You’re going to be stabbed to death before age eighteen, cos you’re gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person (and you’ll deserve it)” and so on).
  Is is not obvious why the healing continues all these years later, and perhaps might continue for the rest of my life?
  If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you wont to be patient with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in between?
2. kat_chan says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 14:48:10
  Re: Ditto
  > If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you
  > wont to be patient with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in
  > between?
  Ummm, well, I don’t think that you even have to ask this of me. If you are willing to extend that courtesy to me, of course I will return in kind. :)
3. Astrid says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 15:03:33
  Re: Ditto
  of course I’ll extend that to you and to everyone I love. It’s a given.
4. chainsaw_hime says:
  Tuesday, 21 May 2002 at 20:49:38
  Re: Ditto
  >Is is not obvious why the healing continues all these years later, and perhaps
  >might continue for the rest of my life?
  >If I may ask just one thing from those people I love: are you wont to be patient
  >with me, pitfalls, pleasure and points in between?
  The presence of these two questions answer each other.
  That’s what we’re here for. To be there for you. To listen, or give input, and help you not only to heal, but to grow.
  And that’s how we do it as well. By listening, or by discussing, or even by just being there…
  Sometimes even by asking for help, wo do that very service for others.
  My thoughts are with you, and will always be.

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